Dear Angry Barista,
Almost every morning I walk to my favorite coffee shop. The important voyage begins when I leave my house in lethargic zombie style, dragging one foot after the other. I cross intersection after intersection, block after block watching the tiny blimp that gives me life grow larger in the distance. I’ve almost reached caffeine Nirvana when I round the corner that would declare, “You have arrived at your destination!” if it were Siri. I will survive. I grab onto the door handle with two hands and use any power I have left to slowly swing it open and throw myself in. A tiny bell sounds as the door closes behind me, as if my cue to breathe deeply and inhale the sweet aroma that is coffee beans. I stop and smile at everyone sitting in the shop almost as if to say, “life is sweet, my friends”. I make my way for the till, turning my head to gawk in awe at the beautiful pastries prepared daily just begging me to eat them and never look back. I’m approaching the till; I pull my eyes away from the daring desserts, feeling proud of myself for yet again, completing this difficult voyage.
Espresso. Espresso. Espresso. Get in the veins.
I’ve reached the till, my mouth is wearing a dopey smirk and I look up.
Fuck. It’s you.
You’re not here often, but when you are I cant help but hear the original Cruella De Vil song followed by the repetition of the two piano cords that warn us our head is about to get bit off by a shark.
Your cynical attitude and obvious hatred towards any customer that orders a coffee doesn’t make me chuckle like it use to. I want to tell you that I once read that negativity can change the way you look at everything and can keep you from enjoying many things that can bring you joy. But I don’t, because you’re scary.
You make my coffee taste stale. Not because you make it wrong. You make it taste stale because the presence of your sucky personality seeps into the cup with the espresso and I can’t shake it for at least ten minutes after I leave the coffee shop.
I don’t know if you hate coffee, or people. Maybe you hate both. Regardless, I wish you eternal happiness. I also really wish you would pack your bags and quit in the process of searching for it.